Hello again.. As I listen to songs of my heritage, I think about how different my life would've been if things had of changed. This morning I looked through my school email address, and boy was it full! I had a read of all the important emails, and it took me a while. There was this one email, that really attracted my attention. It was from my little sister... Well my younger aunty that I call my sister, (If you wanted to get technical) but that doesn't matter...... She had talked about how much she misses me, and how she wants me to come back to hangout for a bit. My eyes swelled up with tears and as much as I tried to hold it in, I had to let it out. I felt so guilty, like .... Was moving only for me? Was I being selfish not staying? or was I simply protecting myself from the harm, and arguing that was happening around me? Those are questions that are running through my head constantly at the moment, and they are questions that are yet to be answered......
I had to grow up faster then most young girls, and that may be why I made such a life changing decision so quick, but people tell me not to grow up so fast, though they weren't there when I was 7 years old.... Watching my mum go through such an abusive relationship, with 3 young girls in the house, was so painful. No one really understood how I felt, and they still don't really understand. The tings that I did to take my mind off the fact that I was basically all I had, and I never let anyone in to help me, hurt everyone around me.... But I was so wrapped up in looking after my sisters, and school, and what we might eat the next day that I didn't see how I was hurting people with the decisions I made, and to be honest... now that hurts me. My sisters meant the world to me and when they were taken to live with their dad when I was 8 until now.. I only saw them about 4 times in the 4 years they weren't there. One day I hope to see them soon and in breaks my little heart to see that I was the one they looked up to, and then I wasn't even there anymore. I can't imagine what it feels like for them.
I now know to let people in to help me.... But I guess I'll try to post something else another day...xx
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Wow... I actually didn't notice how long it has been.... I have not been on my blog since last year and it has really made everything weird. As you probably all know I have moved schools and house... and city, that's why I haven't posted in a while, a really long time. I haven't really thought much of my blog, and I don't know if that is good or not. Moving house, switching parents, and schools has made things so hard for me words cannot explain how my mood changes so quick, especially becoming a teenager!! My new school? Reporoa College.... Yes I know, a big change.... a good change though. I have moved from a school of 600 or so students to a school that has at least 400.... WOAH from the big city Auckland, to a small farming town in between Rotorua and Taupo, Reporoa.... Is a life changing yet awkward switch, and often people ask me 'Why leave Auckland?' Well ... to answer your question, My dad lives in Reporoa, and all my life dad hasn't been the closest to me, and I really thought that living with him would be the thing I needed, and honestly we have tried so many times but I would be so emotionally unstable that being with my mum would be all I knew, then school was my happy place. I would go there everyday, not only to learn, but to see friends, meet visitors, introduce people to where we live and show an insight through a students mind of Pt England and our school and the area that we all are growing up in, and occasionally we would get the odd, "really"," Is that it" and so on comments about school, but really I never saw how that could ever fit in to peoples minds because, although we live in a lower income rate community, its what people give to the children of our school, and how we choose to use them thats all that matters, right? Then I realised that I had to grow up and fill the NEW shoes that had been put to rest for me with my dad. It was a hard decision to make but I eventually made the choice to stay with my dad. I had learnt so much at PT England, and I wanted to show other people, not only those that come to our school,but those that I could go to.... I really wanted to show them how much I had taken on bored in the seven and a half years that I attended. I really think that people are starting to like the new me.... and that is a good thing... I think? :)Well that's enough for tonight, hopefully there is enough signal for me to post in the next few days. :)