Old....New....Choices......LIFE #2

Hello again.. As I listen to songs of my heritage, I think about how different my life would've been if things had of changed. This morning I looked through my school email address, and boy was it full! I had a read of all the important emails, and it took me a while. There was this one email, that really attracted my attention. It was from my little sister... Well my younger aunty that I call my sister,  (If you wanted to get technical) but that doesn't matter...... She had talked about how much she misses me, and how she wants me to come back to hangout for a bit. My eyes swelled up with tears and as much as I tried to hold it in, I had to let it out. I felt so guilty, like .... Was moving only for me? Was I being selfish not staying? or was I simply protecting myself from the harm, and arguing that was happening around me? Those are questions that are running through my head constantly at the moment, and they are questions that are yet to be answered......

I had to grow up faster then most young girls, and that may be why I made such a life changing decision so quick, but people  tell me not to grow up so fast, though they weren't there when I was 7 years old.... Watching my mum go through such an abusive relationship, with 3 young girls in the house, was so painful. No one really understood how I felt, and they still don't really understand. The  tings that I did to take my mind off the fact that I was basically all I had, and I never let anyone in to help me, hurt everyone around me.... But I was so wrapped up in looking after my sisters, and school, and what we might eat the next day that I didn't see how I was hurting people with the decisions I made, and to be honest... now that hurts me. My sisters meant the world to me and when they were taken to live with their dad when I was 8 until now.. I only saw them about 4 times in the 4 years they weren't there. One day I hope to see them soon and in  breaks my little heart to see that I was the one they looked up to, and then I wasn't even there anymore. I can't imagine what it feels like for them.

I now know to let people in to help me.... But I guess I'll try to post something else another day...xx